Do not visit Scotland, you will step in feces

I really hate Scotland.

Recommended addition to Scottish Flag

I have been to the far east, australia and new zealand, a few pacific islands, across the USA,  a fair few countries in Europe and South Asia and I have never stepped in shit in any of those countries.

In the UK, I  have been shit-free in England, Ireland and Wales (I stepped in cat feces when I was 6 but for 20 odd years of living in Wales, one shitty step is forgivable).

What did I do the moment I got to Edinburgh for Hogmanay (WHICH WAS CANCELLED THAT YEAR DUE TO RAIN FFS)… I stepped slap bang into poo.  In the middle of an open clearing as well.

Dirty scots! How I loathe them!

I find scottish women rough as barbarians. I find the men mean.  The only scots I can stand are the fake ones in Braveheart.  Do you know one single, nice  Scotsperson? James McAvoy doesn’t count.

I wage war against Scotland.  May the lord strike it down!

Ha ha, I like typing silly like this. It doesn’t help that I am watching “The Devil’s Whore”, a drama set in the times of the English Civil War.  It’s got some sexy men with long hair and swords in it.  Oh dear, lately my mind is on nothing else but men. Sword-wielding men at that, how am I going to come across one of those? Any men that brandish swords in this reality will probably be posh fencers that say “raa raa” or real day pirates that smell worse than the crap in Scotland.  Rock and a hard place indeed.

 

Capturing America through a lense in NYC

This was taken on the day Obama got elected... not really.

 

Fijians are lovely but Fiji sucks balls.

If you are the type of person who doesn’t enjoy/need to sunbathe then tropical islands leave little else. They are good for weight gain though or learning how to climb coconut trees. And snorkelling.

Remember if you snorkel to UV PROTECT YOUR ASS. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH IF YOU DESIRE TO SIT ON IT FOR THE REST OF THE DURATION OF YOUR STAY.

I would recommend not going to a tropical island, if you still insist then not going for more than 4 days.

Lazing in a hammock, gazing out on to the pacific ocean and contemplating your existence takes up no more than 5 hours if you are a healthy individual.

Then you are buggered. You will become obese because the food is excellent or you will get the shits because the food is excellent but your intestines are too wussy to deal with it – this is most likely to be you if you are blonde/ginger and pale not unlike my travelling companion, Pukey Mcgee.

If you must go to a tropical island, go to one where foreigners are few. Never go to beachcomber island in Fiji unless you want to have sex with germans i.e. never go. Avoid Mary at all costs, a larger than life, hilarious local on Kuata Island. To be on the safe side when you arrive at Nadi airport, ask where Mary is – they will know who you mean. On no attempt reveal to her your relationship status as she will go around BEHIND YOUR BACK ENDEAVOURING TO SET YOU UP WITH ALL FOREIGNERS ON THE ISLAND AND EVEN OTHER FOREIGNERS THAT COME ACROSS FOR A DAY VISIT. Her favourite method was pointing at me from a far and saying, “Where you think that girl is originally from? I bet you can’t guess! Ahh you wrong! Isn’t she pretty! She has no boyfriend! Are you single, young man?”. Flattering and mad as she was, my stay on this island involved a lot of stealth ranger operations to deliver myself from Mary, the fijian Cilla Black (seen in a fetching pink number below).

Even though tropical islands are pants, it is best to go at least once to create envy in tropical island virgins back home. The only way to do this is with your tan and photographs. Remember a photograph not only speaks more than a 1000 words but also lies! (anyone who has met up with a person off a dating site could probably comfirm this). Seriously though, as you can see in these photographs, Fiji is a panoramic wonderland. You should definitely climb mountains at sunrise for authentic “It’s just me and you in the whole wide world” moments.

 

Almost Born in the USA

When father and mother (carried in a sack on his shoulder) decided to run away from the Fields of Discontent they could have gone to the USA or the UK.

For their choice, I am eternally grateful, I love being able to fit in normal sized clothing. I’m not anti-american (okay I am, well no, I really liked all the ones I met when I was travelling) but I guarrantee I would be fat in that country and humourless. There’s no real grasp of satire over there. The fact Springsteen’s anthem Born in the USA is something rednecks confuse with a celebratory anthem of all things American sums it up. You’d think they’d get it from the line, “go and kill the yellow man” but I’m sure the majority thought he was singing about Mr. Burns from the Simpsons. Actually, the majority understood what he meant and probably agreed, kill all dem slitty eyed heathens, Jim-Bob! Sometimes I worry that the UK might go this way but I think we have enough embarrassment over ourselves not to ever sing, “Down in Albion” as an anthem of our greatness. Failing that, there’s always the stiff upper lip which would recoil in horror at the idea of any mass community shin-dig.

Americans possibly have no shame or sense of guilt. They’re not guilty like the British. The number one irk on my list is that many complain about illegal immigrants, yet they are trespassers on Native American soil. Racism in this country at least has a more logical foundation. Having said that, I did enjoy all my times in America. I like the materialistic things a lot. I like their movies and I like their tv shows. They’re great at churning out butter based products and selling a soft-centred dream. One thing I love about the country is how a lot of it was built with immigrant hands. I like the idea of Ellis Island and someone from Italy, Ireland, wherever being able to start something new. Course there is that something about oppression and rising against the odds that everyone loves (Karate Kid!!) Everyone loves a bit o’ scarface. Maybe I like not so much the american dream but the american-based movie, when it’s seen experienced through the eyes of a non-american made up movie character, yeah that’s it. Real america has gone to shit.

“In America, first you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the woman”. – Barbara Bush on how long George W had to wait before gaining entrance to her grand canyon.