Why does the smell of banana get on everything?

When I pack something up and put it in my food cupboard e.g. massive bag of crisps, bread or even biscuits, the stench of banana will overcome it! Even if there is NO BANANA IN THE CUPBOARD! Tis a quandry, why this should happen. Why is the banana so omnipotent? It is like passive smoking except passive-bananaism, I’m not eating a banana yet I am eating the banana taste!

Often, there are bananas in the food cupboard and I hear what you say, “don’t put the bananas in the cupboard then!” But that would be giving in to their terrorist demands and letting them win. The bananas will not be negotiated with. No other fruit manages to get inside other foods. I’m eating doritos right now and they taste like doritos but there is the aftertaste of… BANANA that explodes in my mouth like a bomb of distaste! Last week when I was eating digestive biscuits – the Rambo of biscuits, they tasted like banana! Another time I was eating a sandwich and the banana smell had gotten inside the bread! I toasted the bread and it stifled the banana’s powers which means I know one thing about the enemy – fire kills it!

I’ve never liked bananas (why are they always in my cupboard then, I know) vengeful ma used to force me to eat bananas to give me energy in sports competitions. I once vomitted a banana and it came up almost whole! See Bananas know more than they let on, they can reform in your stomach and then attack from the inside. A man just told me that the banana plant is becoming extinct. I cannot say I am displeased, my old yellow advisaries, we have fought many battles. I think the banana might out live me though but I have a dream. A dream in which my little child can walk hand in hand with another little child and neither will worry that they will fall ill of passive-bananaing. Banana be aware that the time for honouring yourself will soon be at an end.

 

House Idol: The search for a housemate (part 3)

Friday evening came and I was sitting at my desk when Housemate B came in and whispered in a tone devoid of any emotion, “he’s here”. Excitedly I whispered back, “ooh what’s he like?” She didn’t respond to this question, “do you want to come and meet him?” she whispered instead, “yeah!” I fought the urge of surpressed laughter. Something so daft about inviting complete strangers into your home and following them round your house as they look at everything whilst you judge them in return. Haha, I’m laughing now just thinking about it.

Anyway yeah, he was in Housemate C’s room and Housemate B gestured at the door and whispered, “he’s in here”. In retrospect, I should have sensed the alarm and hint of fear in her voice although I auspiciously and hopefully took it for excitement on her part that the art student was indeed a fitty. Well now, how to put this coherently…

Candidate 3 makes ze german look like David Hasselhoff.

I should have known that a postgraduate art student would be 1) around 30, 2) still live with his parents and 3) possibly under the effects of heavy horse tranqualisers. When he talked he never looked at us, he was looking up at the ceiling at one point, fiddling with his sleeves. It was almost endearing, he would have reminded me of Dustin Hoffman’s autistic Rainman if there hadn’t been sinister undertones.

Perhaps it was his bald head or maybe it was his eerie soft speech but he definitely possessed a mass-murderer quality. I got the Kevin Spacey from Se7en vibe from him. I asked if he enjoyed his course and he said, “yes”. I noticed a twitch. As he was speaking in broken sentences, I had this sudden flash of him coming home with a box and saying it was his latest work, opening the box and showing us the severed head of his fine arts lecturer that he really fancied. Here is an excerpt of the strained conversation:

Candidate 3 [looking at ceiling]: Oh and I sometimes play music.

Me [enthusiastically]: Oh like guitar?

Candidate 3: Yes

[long serial killer-esque pause]

Candidate 3: It’s-it’s- expe-experimental, though sometimes it has a-a melody.

Me: Oh like…

[pause]

Me: Oh.

Earlier in the visit… when we were all in Housemate C’s room. Candidate 3 had his back to me as he talked to Housemate B and I took the opportunity to stifle laughter with a pillow.

Housemate B: Oh no, dont worry about being late, we were all in tonight, so it doesnt matter!

Candidate 3: I’ve just had a really bad day

Housemate B: Oh dear

Candidate: Sorry I’m just in a daze. The tube and the bus. I just graduated.

Housemate B: That’s nice, will you be going to celebrate tonight then?

Candidate 3: And my friend might die tonight.

Housemate B [faltering]: um

Candidate 3: I’m totally spaced.

[long pause]

Me: Would you like to see upstairs?

[long pause]

Candidate 3: Alright.

Later in the visit…

Candidate 3: mmm the bath-bath-bathroom smells nice.

Me: Yeah but no dissolving people with acid in the bath, Spacey!

Housemate B: And please dont wait outside all night and kill us in the morning.

(Last two sentences may not have actually happened in real life).

Tomorrow we have candidate 4 coming, a greek man. Yep, it’s turning into a regular eurovision song contest in this house. I do not know anything more of him, though. At the rate House Idol is going I am learning to expect little so I’m picturing some kinda 50 year old fat ass.

 

House Idol: The search for a housemate (part 2)

Hear ye! Hear ye! *rings the leper’s bell*

Let it be known that candidate 2 did not turn up for a viewing. Any villager or country dweller found to be harbouring this outlaw will be put to the stocks or hung depending on the mood of the mob that is Rome my home.

Yeah so, she didn’t turn up. Anyway, no skin off my nose, like “whatever trevor”, she sounded really boring. Her name was Martha (not really but it was a lot like this genre of name e.g. maude, ethel, elsbeth etc) and she had written in her email that she only wanted to share with girls, this means “I am a religious freak” or “I am a pru-hude” she also had written “Oh I have wonderful references!” this means she needs to get out more. I’m glad she didn’t come! In the words of a rebellious 13 year old, she can eff off! Maybe ze german got rid of her, though. She might be trapped in the cupboard underneath his stairs as we speak, crying for help! For some reason I am thinking ze german is an assassin, ahh yes I know why, he was wearing all black but he had white trainers on, obviously for chasing after his victims.

Tonight, candidate 3 comes. He is apparently an art student, his codename will thus be Salvador Dali – I hope I am not jinxing him with profound eccentricities and moustachness.

I shall be back with a full report including his vital measurements e.g. length of his paint brush. Will he be more attractive than ze german? Will he actually be ze german in a cunning disguise? Stay tuned for the next part of House Idol: The search for a housemate.

 

House Idol: The search for a housemate (part 1)

So one of my housemates is moving out, therefore someone else needs to move in. She has advertised on well known websites and we had our first candidate yesterday, who I have decided to nickname ze german. There will be a cash prize to the sum of one hundred thousand dollars for guessing why.

Ze german is a typical, grade A nerd. If there was a competition for nerds he would come first without even trying – well the lack of effort doesnt sound very nerdy but blah I’m bored of this sentence. He is about to start a phd in something about mosquitos. I studied his face and I think he’s about 28, he has those little lines around his eyes. We were really hoping for a fitty and he is definitely not a fitty. I asked Housemate B what she thought and she replied, “Well, he’s german”. Yes, indeed he is! He wanted to take us for a drink and he asked if we cook. Housemate A pointed at me and said, “she microwaves”, I was secretly offended and although I laughed it off, I went to my room later and cried the night through.

Ze german was very keen on the house, he wanted to see all of our rooms. He wasn’t allowed in Housemate A’s bedroom as there was a great big ginger naked man lying across her bed. He was very eager to move in, to the point of not actually getting the hint we wanted him to go away. I have an inkling he would be great at cleaning though because he has a gayness to him (and I mean in the homosexual sense). He likes the idea of sharing with 3 girls so he is either indeed a homosexual or a pervert who is going to steal our knickers. I don’t mind so much as I have tons but Housemate B might be quite upset.

Tonight another candidate will knock the knocker of doom (that’s our door knocker, I was trying to be atmospheric). Will this candidate usurp the german? Only time will tell, my friend… only time will tell.