Being Human commisioned for 8 new episodes!

Yes!!!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/pressoffice/pressreleases/stories/2009/02_february/26/human.shtml

So, imagine my dismay when I found out that Being Human concludes this Sunday, quelle domage   BUT BEHOLD, SWEET READER! The most excellent series, I give it a quick shine in this post if you are unaware of it’s existence (what is wrong with you!).  Anyway yes *resumes cinematic, deep voice*  BEHOLD BLESSED READER,  BEING HUMAN SHALL RETURN, FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER 8 EPISODES.  GO FORTH AND SING IN THE STREETS, THE GOOD GODS HAVE GRACED US ONCE MORE.

Ahem.

Today lots of people gave me compliments.  It was a bit annoying towards the end of the day as I felt as though their compliments were pointing out, how un-compliment worthy I was before ( ha ha typical me, I always find the most obscure downside of a compliment, I find them difficult to accept bla bla bla emotional issues etc boring crap and so on and so forth).  One girl (who I notice had gotten fat by the way), even said, “oh your hair looks lush, you always straighten it but you should leave it like this”. I havent straightened  my hair for ages. Even so, it was sweet. Someone told me they loved my tights, another just randomly said “you look very pretty today”.   Nice contrast to the day before, where a random mini bus stopped by the lights as I was walking to starbucks and a drunken welsh man stuck his head out the window to tell me “fuck me, you’re ugly!”.  Seriously, I was not looking competely gross enough for that. There was no reason for him to say such a thing, and I was pretty far away from him and I was dressed really nicely, with cute pale yellow shoes (my newest loves).  That’s just south walian men for you,  vulgar and mean.  though if there is a weirdo about, I attract them. If someone wants to say something out of the blue and unnecessary, they will say it to me. I am a magnet for random abuse!

 

Oof

I am so sleepy, but I need to go to the gym otherwise I will turn into a fat blimp

 

Today I was sporting an erection

Years of sexual repression has finally caught up with me.  My denim skirt today seems to have created an outward fold just at the spectacular crotchtacular area.   It’s a magical skirt with sex change properties.

harmless skirt erection or penis from botched sex op growing back?

I tried to walk like a man with a massive  erection (ok kinda teeny erection, but an erection nonetheless)  in public would… proudly and pervertedly.  This means standing with your legs apart, leading from the hips  and swaggering along whilst winking at everyone you see.

 

Becoming wrinkly from spending too long in the bed

I think this would be a great evolutionary advantage.  I can sleep in bed for so long. I love dozing and I love the dreams, especially when they involve sexy men.  Though they never involve sexy men.  Once, I had a dream where I got to take loads of wonderful clothes for free from shops. Another dream, a particularly excellent one, was where I was stealing chocoate from an underground warehouse and eating it. I actually got to eat it in my dream! Oh my it was like that cake in Matrix 2 that gives the lady an orgasm.

An experiment on egg-plants showed that 9/10 of them became wrinkly when placed in a bed for more than 8 hours

Anyway, yes, I would spend much less time in bed if it made me wrinkly like what the bath water does to your skin. Makes you all prune like and icky.

The End.

I think we should all go to bed, cmon! I race you, raaaaaaaaaa!!!

 

Youth is wasted on the non-extinct

 

Crossing the road like a drug-fuelled bastard

Most days I only daydream about being this crazy but today I took it to the next level… I crossed the road like a bastard!

I think the correct term is jay-walking but that sounds almost fancy and there is nothing fancy about not waiting for the traffic lights risking your life to get to the otherside, unless we are talking about “the otherside” in the terminal sense, then you dont really risk your life so much as end it but that’s neither here nor there.

The thing is – and now you will see why this is a big thing – growing up (cue flashback with sombre violins), there weren’t many busy roads to deal with. In fact, the roads back home are made out of mud, they haven’t changed since ancient times. I once walked almost all the way to Rome from the road that begins in my back garden before I collapsed from dehydration and spent 3 weeks in intensive care. So yeah, when I came to London the roads were thrice as busy and so the traffic was daunting. This was when I began my affair with Green Man. God, when I see him, I just light up (much as he does), I wish he was three dimensional so I could press my body to his and satisfy him carnally! He is my god! I’m not sure if Green Man exists in countries out of the UK. I know in the US they have the plain old DONT WALK/WALK signals, in Ireland they have that weird duh-duh-duh-duh-duh club sound but I can’t remember the international Green Men.

Whenever I am in times of stress I look to the stars and ask, “What would Green Man do?”. His wisdom soothes my soul like the smoothest balm. I have my answer – Green Man would wait until he was sure of the situation and then he would go all out, guns a blazing, firing on all cylinders, tearing up the traffic and pulling out the stop signals! That’s what Green Man would do!

Housemate A thinks my love of Green Man is hilarious. She actively takes the piss when I refuse to cross the road with her when no traffic is coming. She’ll scoff and exclaim, “oh no, you can’t cross, cause there’s no.. GREEN MAN!”. She can mock me but I know our love is pure. Sometimes my love for Green Man is crippling. Once there was no traffic for about 30 seconds and I still couldnt cross. I am so bad at crossing roads here in London, I often annoy drivers. Some drivers are “sympathetic”to pedastrian loiterers and slow down and gesture at you to cross. Now I dont trust these motherfuggers one bit because it’s not like they control the traffic going the other way, is it?. Especially if Green Man isn’t on the scene – it’s like when you’re playing “Simon Says” and someone goes “sit down!”. No simon, no sit. No Green Man, no crossing.

I especially don’t trust motorcyclists, I know they want to run me down like nobody’s business. So whenever the traffic is kinda jammed or busy and a car/bike stops and gestures for me to walk, I just look away and stand still. It’s like they’re dinosaurs in Jurassic Park and if I stop moving they wont be able to see me. One guy in his car got really annoyed and wound down his window and said, “oi cross the road!”, I was so freaked out I ran across like a sheep and almost got hit by a car going the other way. Okay, maybe the car was a good 10 seconds away in the horizon but with no Green Man I am prone to misjudge road crossing dangers.

So after all that you can see why crossing the road like a bastard meant so much to me! I was a rebel without a cause and I liked it so I did! Tomorrow I shall be crossing blindfolded and naked. Green Man, you and I had some great times but I get the feeling I was more into you than you were into me. Well, the time has come for us to part ways. Maybe I will see you around but I wont wait for you anymore (cue violins to fade out).

 

The Simpsons: Chinese characters less yellow than Homer.

For such an awesomely stereotyping show (my favourite stereotypes being Fat Tony the i-talian and groundskeeper Willie) it’s disappointing that the chinese people aren’t more yellow than Homer and the other average American characters. It’s probably because they really aren’t yellow at all. I understand why white people are called white (peach is a bit precious) and black people are called black (brown was taken) but I dont understand the racialist (Jade Goody’s finest neologism) idea behind yellow for the Chinese/Japanese, they’re even whiter than the white people. Maybe white people were discovered first by whoever made up the names. Jebus maybe, but everyone knows Jebus was black and blind from glaucoma.

Also note how Waylon Smithers went from being Carlton Banks to Harry Potter a bit like Michael Jackson, except he went from Michael Jackson to Anne Hathaway (I can’t be the only one who sees the freaky resemblence and I’m sure they’ve never been seen in a photo together).

 

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